Trying to get it right

I think I scared the living shit out of Porter tonight. He started throwing a fit -- which we don't allow -- and I told him to go to his room and pull himself together, to get control of himself. I told him that we don't like it when he throws a fit, so he would have a time out. I was pretty loud and stern -- but in control, myself. Once we got in his room, I made him sit / lay in his bed, like I normally do with Jackson and him when they're in trouble. I figure it helps them calm down. I told him he could come out when he calmed down and said he was sorry.

Anyway, he had a book in his bed and when I walked out, he was still screaming and out of control. When I sat back down in the other room, I suddenly heard the book fly across his room and hit the floor. Well, that's another thing we don't allow.

I went back in and asked him if he threw the book -- I was pretty mad, and was pretty loud -- and he said that he didn't. I asked him if he kicked it; he said no. He lied to me. He's been doing that lately to try to keep from getting in trouble. But it only makes it worse. Lying is the other thing we don't allow.

Well, I was still under control myself, but I let him have it with a little screaming of my own -- I told him that was not what he should do, and that he was going to have to go straight to bed, no dinner, no stories, no nothing. And I was taking his book away. I took him in the bathroom to pee, changed his clothes and told him he was going to bed, no ifs-ands-buts. And I did it as 'Mean Mad Dad.'

Discipline is hard. I don't want to spank; and the simple, "That makes Daddy sad" doesn't seem to work all the time, so I do the Dr. Jekel / Mr. Hyde thing and light into them with a tirade that pretty much scares the shit out of whoever is being bad -- Jackson or Porter.

I hate it.

I never feel quite right about doing it, but I don't know what else to do -- they need to know that there are right things to do, and wrong things. We don't throw a fit when we don't get our way; we don't throw things when we're mad; we don't lie. I know it makes an impression on them to know that I am not happy with them -- and I try to save 'Mean Mad Dad' for things that are truly important... It just sucks that I have to do it. Porter was totally beside himself that I was mad at him. He couldn't bear knowing how mad I was, and he just crumbled.

Long story short: Mom played good cop to my bad cop and loved on him. Told him he needed to be good, and that he needed to tell me he was sorry. And he did. Ten minutes later, he was fine, and didn't act up the rest of the night. Just like earlier in the afternoon, we hugged, loved, and snuggled like he and I generally do. He's my little one -- my Piddy.

I love Porter and I love Jackson -- Sometimes being a Dad sucks. I'm just trying to do the right thing, teach them right from wrong; I just don't know if I always get it right, though.