ed


Rantz Archive Page 1 Page 2 Page 3	Updated January 9, 2003 Another song that speaks volumes It really was the time I grew up in -- Oh, for the simpler days . . . 19 Somethin' I saw Star Wars at least eight times, Had the Packman pattern memorised. And I've seen the stuff they put inside Stretch Armstrong, yeah. Oh, I was Roger Staubach in my backyard, Had a shoebox full of baseball cards, And a couple of Evil Knievil scars on my right arm. Well, I was a kid when Elvis died. An' my momma cried: Well, it was nineteen-seventy-something, In the world that I grew up in. Farah Fawcett hair-do days, Bell bottoms and eight-track tapes. Lookin' back now I can see me. Oh man, did I look cheesy. But I wouldn't trade those days for nothin': Oh, it was nineteen-seventy-something. It was the dawning of a new decade, We got our first microwave, Dad broke down and finally shaved them old sideburns off. I took the stickers off a-my Rubik's cube. Watched MTV all afternoon. My first love was Daisy Duke in them cut-off jeans. Space shuttle fell out of the sky. And the whole world cried. Well, it was nineteen-eighty-something, In the world that I grew up in. Skatin' rinks and black Trans-Ams. Big hair and parachute pants. An' lookin' back now I can see me. Oh man, did I look cheesy. I wouldn't trade those days for nothin': Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-something. Now I got a mortgage and an SUV, But all this responsibility, Makes me wish sometimes: It was nineteen-eighty-something, In the world that I grew up in. Skatin' rinks and black Trans-Ams. Big hair and parachute pants. An' lookin' back now I can see me. Oh man, did I look cheesy. I wouldn't trade those days for nothin': Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-something. Nineteen-seventy-something. Oh, it was nineteen something. BEER MAY BE GOOD FOR A MAN'S SEX LIFE A Czech doctor says that by drinking beer every day men may keep their sex lives active. "If men drink two beers a day they can stave off impotence," says Dr. Pavel Zemek of the Czech Center of Gerontology in Prague. Zemek says his research shows beer can have a "powerful effect" to stop the arteries becoming blocked. "On the basis of clinical tests we can say moderate amounts of beer lessens arterial sclerosis, one of the causes of erectile dysfunction," he told a local newspaper. As others do when discussing beer and health, he warns against excessive drinking. "Drink too much beer in one go and the positive effects are negated," he says, "but, as the saying goes, a little bit of what you fancy does you good." This one's for my boys I've always loved this song, and it's probably because of the inate sense of hope it carries. This is one of the songs I'd sing to my boys if they asked me for advice on how to live the best, fullest life. "I Hope You Dance" I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger, May you never take one single breath for granted, GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed, I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance....I hope you dance. I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, Never settle for the path of least resistance Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin', Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin', Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, When you come close to sellin' out reconsider, Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance....I hope you dance. I hope you dance....I hope you dance. (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along, Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.) I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. Dance....I hope you dance. I hope you dance....I hope you dance. I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. (Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone) Hope ahead: What I learned from the tragedies of 2001 By David Coursey, AnchorDesk As years go, 2001 sucked. Having said so, trying to write something that puts the year into perspective seems rather pointless. Nothing can change what happened on Sept. 11, and for the rest of our lives--and those of our children and their children--we will never forget the tragedies of that day. However, adversity teaches us more important lessons than prosperity. So my bet is that 2001 and the upcoming 2002 will prove to be very educational--and in ways that matter. THE DOT-COM ERA was not a character-building experience. Life since 9/11 has been. It's as though the excesses of the 1990s, which lingered even into the recession, ended all at once. The events of the last few months are like hitting the reset button on your computer, writ large enough to change us all. The Silicon Valley maxim, "When the wind blows hard enough, even turkeys can fly," really applied to most of the last decade. The turkeys of Silicon Valley not only flew, they were richly rewarded. Sadly, those rewards often came not from contributing real value, but simply for being the best at playing the game. Now that game seems a distant memory.Can it really be such a short time ago that 25-year-old millionaires seemed important? That the Nasdaq hit 5,000? That a "new" economy was touted as a replacement for the old one? That real money and faux business opportunities flowed like water? Everyone was headed for a future of endless wealth, at least until the bottom dropped out of the market. But even then we were merely in a reversal, waiting for things to return--if not to the glory days, at least to some semblance of the prosperity we'd known before. While I am quite bullish on economic recovery in 2002, we will also remain a nation challenged in many ways. And you know what? The dollars don't mean so much anymore. At least not to those of us still lucky enough to have our jobs and careers intact. SEPT. 11 WAS THE absolute conclusion of the roaring '90s. But it also provided immediate and dramatic examples of what really matters. As we leave an era of self-interest and greed, Sept. 11 reintroduced us to the people we might all strive to become. I would be very surprised if any of the New York public safety workers--firefighters, police, and others--who died that day had ever seen a stock-option package. While there are probably a few firehouses with pool tables--or maybe not--I am quite certain none are equipped with the oxygen bars, espresso machines, and expensive office toys that came to symbolize Silicon Valley extravagance. And what about those schoolteachers working near the World Trade Center? If these people are such idiots and union hacks--as the critics of public education would have us believe--why did they risk their own lives to protect the children that were entrusted to them that terrible morning? Like you, I am aware that some New York police officers don't live up to the trust placed in them. But next time I'm there and I see a cop, I'm going to assume he or she is one of the ones willing to give his life to protect mine. WHAT CAN BE SAID for the U.S. Army Special Forces officer who, when a misguided bomb went off near the man who has since become the new president of Afghanistan (news - web sites), threw his own body over the Afghani leader to protect him? And what about the three Green Berets who died in the accidental bombing? Likewise for the Secret Service agents whose job it is--and they practice this--to catch the bullet before it can strike the President of the United States? Do you think any of these people spent the '90s dreaming of riches doled out by venture capitalists? And have you thought about the ironworkers who helped build the World Trade Center and are now helping cart away what remains of the buildings that became a tomb for so many of their countrymen? Think they might be happier sitting in an expensive Herman Miller chair and pondering an ever-rising Nasdaq? Can we ever do enough to honor the people whose last words were "Let's roll"--spoken over a wireless telephone on an airplane only moments before they confronted the terrorists, sealing their own fate but likely saving many others and national treasures we hold dear? I could go on. There are all those who gave money, donated blood, left their jobs because National Reserve duty called, flew a flag, or went to church and prayed. They were ordinary people being their best selves in extraordinary times. There are people who say all this will pass. And if that's what you believe, then it will probably be true for you. But just as I expect to carry the pain of Sept. 11 with me for a long time, I will also carry its lessons. THE MOST IMPORTANT of these, at least to me, is that the people who matter most are often the ones we take for granted most. Also, I learned that in a pinch, many people will act heroically and throw aside self-interest for the common good. That commitment to community and to others, more than business, more than technology, more than anything, is what both makes us great and carries us through times of incredible sadness. After a tragedy, we all come out on the other side a little better, a little more connected to each other, to our families, our friends, even our country and those who serve it, than we started. For me, Sept. 11 pushed aside many things I thought mattered and replaced them with things--and people--that do matter. Ready for Kids? Take the test MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag legs first making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and jar of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. How to help someone use a computer. by Phil Agre Computer people are fine human beings, but they do a lot of harm in the ways they "help" other people with their computer problems. Now that we're trying to get everyone online, I thought it might be helpful to write down everything I've been taught about helping people use computers. First you have to tell yourself some things: Nobody is born knowing this stuff. You've forgotten what it's like to be a beginner. If it's not obvious to them, it's not obvious. A computer is a means to an end. The person you're helping probably cares mostly about the end. This is reasonable. Their knowledge of the computer is grounded in what they can see and do -- "when I do this, it does that". They need to develop a deeper understanding, but this can only happen slowly -- and not through abstract theory but through the real, concrete situations they encounter in their work. Beginners face a language problem: they can't ask questions because they don't know what the words mean, they can't know what the words mean until they can successfully use the system, and they can't successfully use the system because they can't ask questions. You are the voice of authority. Your words can wound. By the time they ask you for help, they've probably tried several things. As a result, their computer might be in a strange state. This is natural. They might be afraid that you're going to blame them for the problem. The best way to learn is through apprenticeship -- that is, by doing some real task together with someone who has a different set of skills. Your primary goal is not to solve their problem. Your primary goal is to help them become one notch more capable of solving their problem on their own. So it's okay if they take notes. Most user interfaces are terrible. When people make mistakes it's usually the fault of the interface. You've forgotten how many ways you've learned to adapt to bad interfaces. Knowledge lives in communities, not individuals. A computer user who's part of a community of computer users will have an easier time than one who isn't. Having convinced yourself of these things, you are more likely to follow some important rules: Don't take the keyboard. Let them do all the typing, even if it's slower that way, and even if you have to point them to every key they need to type. That's the only way they're going to learn from the interaction. Find out what they're really trying to do. Is there another way to go about it? Maybe they can't tell you what they've done or what happened. In this case you can ask them what they are trying to do and say, "Show me how you do that". Attend to the symbolism of the interaction. Try to squat down so your eyes are just below the level of theirs. When they're looking at the computer, look at the computer. When they're looking at you, look back at them. When they do something wrong, don't say "no" or "that's wrong". They'll often respond by doing something else that's wrong. Instead, just tell them what to do and why. Try not to ask yes-or-no questions. Nobody wants to look foolish, so their answer is likely to be a guess. "Did you attach to the file server?" will get you less information than "What did you do after you turned the computer on?". Explain your thinking. Don't make it mysterious. If something is true, show them how they can see it's true. When you don't know, say "I don't know". When you're guessing, say "let's try ... because ...". Resist the temptation to appear all-knowing. Help them learn to think the problem through. Be aware of how abstract your language is. "Get into the editor" is abstract and "press this key" is concrete. Don't say anything unless you intend for them to understand it. Keep adjusting your language downward towards concrete units until they start to get it, then slowly adjust back up towards greater abstraction so long as they're following you. When formulating a take-home lesson ("when it does this and that, you should try such-and-such"), check once again that you're using language of the right degree of abstraction for this user right now. Whenever they start to blame themselves, respond by blaming the computer. Then keep on blaming the computer, no matter how many times it takes, in a calm, authoritative tone of voice. If you need to show off, show off your ability to criticize bad design. When they get nailed by a false assumption about the computer's behavior, tell them their assumption was reasonable. Tell yourself that it was reasonable. Take a long-term view. Who do users in this community get help from? If you focus on building that person's skills, the skills will diffuse to everyone else. Never do something for someone that they are capable of doing for themselves. Don't say "it's in the manual". (You knew that.) (This article is adapted from The Network Observer. Copyright 1996 by Phil Agre.) Neat upper lip No lie, this was really sent out at a client I was at recently -----Original Message----- From: $##%#%$, Michael To: $#% EM&T Sent: 7/19/01 2:25 PM Subject: It's time to "CLEAR" this up It has come to my attention that there is some concern amidst the floor that this persistent canker sore on my upper lip is posing somewhat of a health hazard to the organization. I can assure each and every one of you that my recent outbreak is not, I repeat, NOT contagious. In an effort to ease the recent scare and to alleviate any confusion, I will be setting up one on one meetings with each and every one of you to discuss and educate on this non infectious blemish. For those of you who have supported me during this difficult time, I thank you. Mike What I do I think even my wife and my mom still wonder from time to time what I do. In its essence, I help publish information. My friend Travis sent this clip, which I think tells it all. Again, not mine, but good stuff, nonetheless: From Ralph Kimball's newsletter: TAKING THE PUBLISHING METAPHOR SERIOUSLY In this design tip I want to share a perspective that I take very seriously, and in some ways is the foundation for all my work in data warehousing. It is the publishing metaphor. Consider the following scenario. Imagine that you have been asked to take over responsibility for a high quality magazine. You have been named editor-in-chief and you have been given broad latitude to manage the content, style, and delivery of this magazine. If you approach this responsibility thoughtfully, in my opinion you should do the following 12 things: * identify your readers demographically * find out what the readers want in this kind of magazine * identify the "best" readers who will renew their subscriptions and buy products from the magazine's advertisers * find potential new readers, and make them aware of the magazine * choose the magazine content most appealing to the target readers * make layout and rendering decisions that maximize the pleasure of the readers * uphold high quality writing and editing standards, and adopt a consistent presentation style * continuously monitor the accuracy of the articles and the advertiser's claims * keep the reader's trust * develop a good network of writers and contributors * draw in advertising and run the magazine profitably * keep the business owners happy If you do a good job with all these responsibilities, I think you will be a great editor-in-chief! Conversely, go down through the list and imagine what happens if you omit any single item. Ultimately your magazine would have problems. While these responsibilities may seem obvious, let's list some dubious items that should be non-goals: * build the magazine around the technology of a particular printing press * put most of your management energy into the printing press operational efficiencies * use a highly technical and complex writing style that many readers may not understand * use an intricate and crowded layout style that is difficult to read and navigate The lesson for magazine publishing is that serving the readers effectively is the whole ball game. By building the whole business on the foundation of serving the readers, your magazine is likely to be successful. The point of this metaphor, of course, is to draw the parallel between being a conventional publisher and being a data warehouse project manager. I am convinced that the correct job description for a data warehouse project manager is "publish the right data". Your main responsibility is to serve your readers who are your end users. While you will certainly use technology to deliver your data warehouse, the technology is at best a means to an end. The technology and the techniques you use to build your data warehouses should not show up directly in your top 12 responsibilities, but the appropriate technologies and techniques will become much more obvious if your over-riding goal is to effectively publish the right data. Let's recast the 12 magazine publishing responsibilities as data warehouse responsibilities: * understand your end users by business area, job responsibilities, and computer tolerance * find out the decisions the end users want to make with the help of the data warehouse * identify the "best" end users who make effective decisions using the data warehouse * find potential new end users, and make them aware of the data warehouse * choose the most effective, actionable subset of the data to present in the data warehouse, drawn from the vast universe of possible data in your organization * make the end user screens and applications MUCH simpler and more template driven, explicitly matching the screens to the cognitive processing profiles of your end users * make sure your data is accurate and can be trusted, labeling it consistently across the enterprise * continuously monitor the accuracy of the data and the content of the delivered reports * keep the end user's trust * continuously search for new data sources, and continuously adapt the data warehouse to changing data profiles and reporting requirements * take a portion of the credit for end user decisions made using the data warehouse, and use these successes to justify your staffing, software, and hardware expenditures * keep the end users, end user executives, and your boss happy If you do a good job with all these responsibilities, I think you will be a great data warehouse project leader! Conversely, go down through the list and imagine what happens if you omit any single item. Ultimately your data warehouse would have serious problems. I urge you to contrast this view of a data warehouse project manager's job with your own job description. Chances are the above list is much more oriented toward end user and business issues, and may not even sound like a job in IT. But in my opinion, that is what makes this job interesting. Not my art history teacher I took art history in college -- hell, I was a History major -- but I can't believe this chick got paid for studying snowmen as 'folk art.' University of Birmingham art history professor Tricia Cusack told the London Daily Telegraph that snowmen were ``rotund relics of Bacchanalia'' that reinforce traditional gender stereotypes by reflecting men in prominent, public roles and women in private, domestic situations. ``I don't want to ban snowmen or anything,'' she said. ``Let's just be a bit more imaginative---why not have a snowwoman?'' Cusack spent five years studying snowmen and published her findings in the journal New Formations. WE ARE NOT THE LOST GENERATION If you were born between 1965 and 1977 (give or take a year or two) you will certainly enjoy this as much as I did. Don't skip a line, read this when you have time to take it all in. (From eMail): I am a child of the 70's & 80's. That is what I prefer to be called. The 90's can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Frogger. I never did beat Asteriods and Galagga was the game to beat at the laundrymat. I watched Scooby-Doo. Daphne was a goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of the MysteryMachine. I HATED SCRAPPY. I would sleep over at friend's houses on the weekends. We played army with G I Joe figures, and I set up galatic wars between Star Wars & any other action figures we had. We never beat Rubik's cube, unless you count taking off the stickers or taking it apart. I got up on Saturday mornings at 7am to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The "The Laugh-Olympics", "Jabberjaw", "Captain Caveman", and "SpaceGhost". In between I would watch SchoolHouse Rock (Conjunction junction, what's your function?) On Friday night, Daisy Duke was my future wife. Did your Dad turn from mild-mannered Bill Bixby into the "Incredible Hulk" when he got upset? At the movies the Nerds got revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mu's. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of Covenant. I wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another". Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took vacations to South Florida and collected Muppet Movie Glasses along the way (we had the whole set). My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel, we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Pink Houses and Jack & Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George. I was a "Wild Boy" for Duran Duran. MTV actually played music videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That On Television". HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens. I drank Dr Pepper. I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? Shasta was for losers. Tab was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange Juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore. Bacon had to move over for something leaner. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie snack cakes in my METAL Charlie Brown Lunchbox and our world was the backyard and it was all you needed. Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and the Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines from Ghostbusters and still look to the Goonies for a Great adventure. We flip through TV stations and stop at the A-Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with the Cosby Show and Family Ties. "What you talkin' about Willis?" We hold strong affection for the Muppet Show. Afterschool Specials were about cigarettes and step-families. Aren't the Power Rangers just Voltran reincarnated? We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes. Pegged jeans were in, and were unit belts and layered socks and jean jackets and JAMS and charm necklaces and side pony tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you rad. The back door was always open and Mom served only the red kool-aid to the neighborhood kids. You never drank the New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron. The Sit'n'spin always made you dizzy, but never made you stop. Pogoballs were dangerous weapons, and dodgeball was taught to us by teachers. Now it's not allowed. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman, Spider Man or R2D2. In your treehouse, you were king. We loved orange race tracks, they made great swords...that was until our mother realized she could smack us with them. We collected Cabbage Patch kids, & football & baseball cards, but it was because we wanted to be the first in the neighborhood the have the complete set not because TOPPS labeled it "COLLECTOR SERIES". We played with He-Man and Skelator. Going to get a Happy Meal on Saturday with Mom or Dad was worth waiting the other six days of the week. Was Green Lantern the coolest superhero or Aquaman? "Wonder-twin powers activate!" "Hey, my mom will take if your mom picks up!" This is what growing up in the 70's & 80's was all about! So if you are reading this and it ALL hits home then you do indeed have a heritage or a generation. This is what makes us the most unique generation of all. Cultivate a Parakeet You know I love Jimmy Buffett -- and so do Katie and Jackson. Here's something I picked up on the Margaritavill Parenting Pages: When cultivating a parakeet, take it slow. Go one step at a time. My wife and I are currently cultivating our 5-year-old parakeet. Over his first five years, we bombarded him with Jimmy's tunes. Recently, he began to show interest. HereŐs how we trained our ParakeetÉ 1. We needed to decide what his training tool was going to be. Songs You Know By Heart seemed to make the most sense. 2. Food is essential to any Parakeet, so therefore he was fed a steady diet of Cheeseburger in Paradise, until he had that down pat. 3. Once the cheeseburgers digested, we thought some exercise would be good, so we exercised those little wings with some Fins. Of course, this is also a useful tool for learning left and right. 4. Any good Parakeet also must be made aware of his/her surroundings, so a geography lesson was in order. Volcanoes were the topic of choice. 5. Staying with the geography lesson, it is important to teach them where to go when the volcano blows, and that is the greatest place in all the world, Margaritaville. Remember it is essential that they know that it exists, but you can hold off on teaching them how to get there. That will come with time. Those are the essential steps in cultivating your Parakeet. They are certainly not the only steps, but they are a good starting point. Our Parakeet is all prepped for his first Jimmy experience this summer in Chicago. It is unnecessary to bog them down with ballads at this age, let them learn the easy songs and have fun with it, for the life of a Parrot Head is an ongoing learning process, and they will find that it definitely gets better with age. -- Mark Peter One from another Big Bad Dad (BBD) This one's from the 'Fidget Parenting Newsletter' TIME WELL SPENT By the time you read this, Father's Day 2000 will be history. I love Father's Day! It's just like my birthday, I like to extend it to more than one day, in fact, I take the whole weekend. (My birthday I extend for a whole week but that's another story.) I started my Father's Weekend by attending a BBQ at the Big Bad Kid's school. Now, as you all know, the BBK and I do a lot of things together, but somehow this was different for him. It was me coming and joining in on "his" world; playing with "his" friends. I didn't realize how much it meant to the BBK for me to be there mingling with his crowd. Sometimes, you just forget that they have their own social scene, too. They may be small but they know what the hell is going on. I make a point to attend everything that the BBK does. Not just what I consider to be the "important" events, but all of them. How do I know which are the most important to him or not? I guess you could say I am fortunate to be able to make the time. I guess that's true, but I also do everything I can to make it happen. As I looked around the room I was very impressed to see that 90% of the fathers showed up. It really says a lot about the new father attitude, or Daditude as we like to call it. When all was said and done I had a great time and got a really nice gift from the BBK. He made me a coffee cup with his picture on it and a nice card. All the Big Bad Dads had to wear a paper tie that our son or daughter painted. You actually had to wear it to get food! I have to make a point here, that this time that I spend with my son is also good for me too. I can't think of how many times I've said "OK! That's it, let's go" and took him to the park or just got into the car and went for a drive. It serves two purposes, not only do I get to spend time with the BBK but I also get to chill out. So it's good for both of us. So this year Father's Day is going to be different. I've thought about buying him something for letting me be his father. It is most definitely an honor and a privilege. Which reminds of a song that was out when I was just a kid called "Cats in the Cradle". I don't know the artist. For those of you that don't know the song, it was about a kid whose dad was always leaving for one reason or another and really never had the time to spend with his son. So the son grows up and has kids of his own and now the father wants to spend time with his son. So guess what? The son doesn't have the time to spend with his father. The father realizes that his son had "grown up just like him." That will never be this Big Bad Dad! [I feel the same way. Check out the lyrics to Cats in the Cradle here, near the bottom. -- Gotta get Jax a gift for father's day next year.] Don't shit in the bathtub And don't order large furniture from a mail order catalog. I guess that's two things I learned this week. And in reality, they're both pretty much common sense. Shitting in the bathtub is pretty obvious. I saw Katie giving Jackson a bath the other day, and I remembered that sometimes he 'keeps on going' when he's taking a dump and we change him too early. Things get pretty messy. I just started imagining that in the bathtub, and immediately felt lucky Katie does most (all) of the bathing. It'll happen someday -- mark my words. As for the furniture thing, that's a little different. Sometimes you can order furniture from a catalog, and everything's ok. (You can never really launch one in the tub and have things work out fine, though.) But sometimes, when you order something -- like a TV armoire -- you just get a screwy situation. We ordered that exact thing - a very nice TV armoire -- from Ballard Designs' catalog about 10 weeks ago. We were soooooooooooo excited that we finally found something that we liked, and that would fit our TV. The catalog listed the dimensions, and we measured TWICE before talking it over for a couple of days and then ordering. Well, it got here yesterday. Everything was fine, until we tried to put the TV in -- exactly 1 inch too narrow. We called the company and told them we needed to send it back and they had no problem -- they'll pay return shipping and everything. We just can't get it picked up from our house for 10 to 12 weeks. Katie almost shit in the bathtub on that one. Clearly, this big, useless armoire does not go with our decor at this point. After almost 45 minutes of dealing with a variety of people on their end trying to get this thing taken care of, here's the poop: The thing will be out of our living room in 12 to 15 days, and then they'll credit our AMEX for the full thing. What a lesson! DSL Rocks Warning: This is really geeky. Well, it finally got installed! I bit the bullet and had SW Bell come out and hook up my Asynchronous Digital Subscriber Line -- DSL -- last week. It took about 2 months from the time I first ordered the hook up until it was installed, but the service is well worth the wait! My transmission time is ZERO. It's as close to instant access as I can imagine. Pages instantly appear when I access them, images and all. And the connection is always on. For me, that's nice. I set my email to check itself every 5 minutes and it gives me a signal if I have any new messages. Also, if I need a pesky little bit of information -- say the ingredients to my favorite Chicken Curry recipe -- I don't have to wait for the thing to connect up before I can access Epicurious.com for the Simple Chicken Curry. DSL is great -- I highly recommend it. Tax Time Again I just wanted to pass along a little reminder that tax time is officially upon us. All the companies we do business with were supposed to send us our tax documents by the end of January -- so that means that February is the official kick-off to Tax Season! Well, I'm pretty much done with my taxes, and it's only February 2. How? I've got MacInTax -- the Mac version of TurboTax -- by Quicken. Trust me -- it's worth the $45 for the yearly updated software. I did our personal return, which included a sole-proprietorship AND Katie's grandfather's (deceased) final return in 4 hours. Last year I had two S corp. business returns, our personal return and Katie's grandpa's return. Total time: 2 days. And, it checks everything! It reminds you of things you may not have thought about in terms of deductions and audit risks. It even recommends tax strategies for the coming years, if you want. Overall, it's got my vote for best personal finance software. Bonus: the money you spend on it is DEDUCIBLE!! When you think your job is bad, try this. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company." Santa Loses It LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A shopping mall Santa Claus had a meltdown after refusing to cuddle a bawling toddler, calling the mother evil and ripping off his beard and costume in front of startled children. Kelley Fornatoro, 33, said she told the Santa her 19-month-old son, Brian, would stop crying if he put his arm around the child. According to her, he balked and told her, "I will not imprison your child." "When I went to pick up the baby, he said: 'Was it worth it? Was it worth it for you to torture your child for a picture? You must be an evil person,"' Ms. Fornatoro said Thursday. The woman told the Santa she planned to file a complaint. She said he leaped from his throne and said: "You can complain about me if you want, but I am Santa Claus. I am the best person in the world. I am good." Ms. Fornatoro then told the Santa he should not be around children. "With that, he got really angry," she said. "He started to rip off his clothes. He took off his beard, his wig, his coat, his belt." Parents and children waiting in line Wednesday were stunned. Some mothers and fathers covered their children's eyes. The Santa was led away by security guards and a replacement was brought in immediately. The suburban Westfield Shoppingtown Promenade Mall and Cherry Hill Photo, suppliers of the Santa, wouldn't give the irate Santa's name. "Although we do provide a person to be the character of Santa Claus, we cannot always be responsible for their behavior," said Jonah Sullivan of New Jersey-based Cherry Hill Photo. Belgian Brewhaha hits litigation trail The Confederation des Brasseries de Belgique has filed suit against Coors Brewing Co. It charges that the Colorado brewing company is misleading the American public into believing that Blue Moon Belgian White is brewed in Belgium instead of the United States. Blue Moon Brewing Co. is a subsidiary of Coors, and Coors makes those beers in Colorado and Tennessee breweries. The CBB asserts that Coors has damaged the market for authentic Belgian beer and is seeking an injunction to prevent Coors from "falsely and deceptively" labeling and advertising its beer as originating from Belgium. The CBB complained about the Belgian White last year to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which regulates beer labels. A Coors spokesman pointed out that the company then added the letters "U.S.A." and the phrase "Belgian-style" to the bottle. The wording, however, is small, and no changes were made to the six-pack carton or the advertising, said Bart Lazar, a lawyer representing the CBB. Famous Last Words "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 ---------------------------------------------------------------- "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 ---------------------------------------------------------------- "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 --------------------------------------------------------------- "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 ---------------------------------------------------------------- "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) ---------------------------------------------------------------- Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." ---------------------------------------------------------------- "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her company, Mrs. Fields' Cookies. ------------------------------------------------------------------ "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives or 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. --------------------------------------------------------------- " So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. ------------------------------------------------------------- "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. -------------------------------------------------------------- "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 ---------------------------------------------------------------- "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 WHAT IS A VET? Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't tell a vet just by looking. What is a vet? He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel. He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel. She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang. He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL. He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs. He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand. He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by. He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep. He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come. He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs. He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known. So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded. Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU". (Not my original piece -- but worth every word.)

home | family | photos | random fun | motorcycles | links | email