Updated
July 26, 2001
See how many you can
use today !
1. Ahhh...I
see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change
the subject.
Hey, I know that guy.
That's kinda
how things start -- the 'hit you on the head' realization that you've
got a connection to "Tonight's Big Story." But the truth
is, I wish I didn't. Here's how I first learned that a fraternity
brother of mine shot his girlfriend:
Most of
you already have heard the tragic news regarding Steve. I saw
him on the news last night being taken to a police car in handcuffs
and jail garb. If you don't know--Steve has been accused and charged
with the murder of a woman he was seeing here in Houston.
Apparently
he left Tammy earlier this year and dated a woman that he had
met through work. She then split up with him and Tuesday she was
found by her current boyfriend shot in the head and chest. She
had called her current boyfriend an hour before saying that she
was scared that Steve was going to hurt her. Subsequent to finding
the body, police learned that Steve had cleared out his bank accounts
and was on his way out of state. He was caught in a casino in
Louisiana.
Today I am
going over to the DA's office to try to look at his file. Also,
once he arrives here in the jail I will go visit him and then
I'll update you all on what I find out. Please forward this message
to anyone that you don't see on the list above and if an email
is wrong please let me know. I'll keep you updated on what I find
out. Sorry to be speaking to many of you for the first time in
years on such a nasty subject. Hope all is well with each of you--please
say a prayer for Steve and for the family of the deceased woman
and pray even harder that there is an explaination for this that
absolves Steve--although it does not look good at the moment.
Fraternally,
Murphy Klasing
Among many
other emails I recieved over the past few days, I got this one,
as well.
Hey everyone--no
real new updates at the moment. I spoke with Steve's mom on Sunday
and yesterday and she said that Steve may not be moved to Houston
until late this week. She said he has eaten and is looking all
right considering. She has told him that many of his friends have
been concerned about him and it seemed to perk him up.
Jim Humrichouse
and I were discussing the best way we could all help out Steve's
kids and we thought the best solution would be to create a trust
for the kids in an attempt to raise enough money to cover her
child support payment each month for as many months as possible
until she can get a job and get back on her feet. I know many
of you have asked for ways to help and this would be tremendous.
One of the things that we all talked about in our respective pledge
years at Chi Phi was lifelong brotherhood, and though at times
that may have seemed like a cliche, I believe it is times like
this when being a member of Chi Phi matters most.
I have been
incredibly touched by your willingness to help and your desire
to know that Steve is all right. Certainly none of us condone
what he did, but what a tremendous opportunity to rally together
to help the most innocent victims of all--his kids. Please consider
donating to this cause. Her child support was $1800 a month. 6
months would be almost $11000. If we could raise at least that
much, it would give Tammy a chance to relax about her financial
issues while she looks for a job and struggles with the notion
of raising her kids without a father.
Any donation
you make would be tax deductible and you can make out checks to
the Trevor-Taylor Trust. My firm is willing to draw up a trust
document for free and allow me to collect funds on behalf of the
trust and deposit them into an account which Tammy can access
up to $1800 per month. Please send checks to my attention at:
Broocks,
Baker & Lange, L.L.P.
One Riverway, Suite 1200
Houston, Texas 77056
Even if you
can only send a little or if you can send a little each month
for the next 6 months it will help. If you are planning on sending
a care package please go ahead because that will also help. Even
though I was once the Delta, I hate asking for money. When my
own client's owe us money I sic the accounting department on them.
Therefore, I apologize for having to come forward at this time
and ask money of you, but I really feel it is the right thing
to do in these circumstances. Any money that is sent will be appreciated
and I will send a receipt that should be sufficient for tax purposes
indicating your gift. Thanks again.
Fraternally,
Murphy Klasing
Katie and I
have decided that we're going to do what we can to help out this
man's children. I can't help but think that the Steve I knew in
college must have died somewhere along the way to where we sit today.
But one thing is for sure: I'd like someone to step up and help
my family if I decided to do something stupid and ruin my life.
If anyone else wants to help, please do, and let
me know.
10.14.99
Battle of Beer Froth
Is Coming to a Head For England's Pubs
By Christopher
Knight 10/13/1999 The Wall Street Journal Page B1 (Copyright (c)
1999, Dow Jones & Company, Inc.)
LONDON --
The little layer of foam at the top of a glass is becoming public
enemy No. 1 among beer drinkers in Britain. Government consumer-affairs
officials have proposed making it illegal for a pub to pour a glass
of beer with more than 5% froth.
Pub owners
would face fines of nearly $8,000, and those who repeatedly served
too much froth could lose their licenses. The Department of Trade
and Industry, which proposed the law, is collecting opinions until
the end of October and then will decide how hard to push for regulation.
The proposal was a result of repeated consumer complaints, a spokeswoman
says.
The Campaign
for Real Ale, a trade group for drinkers' rights in Britain, charges
that pubs are making a profit on froth. It says surveys have found
that one in four drinkers gets more than 5% froth in a 20-ounce
glass of beer, and alleges that Britain's beer drinkers paid $400
million on froth alone in 1998.
"We feel beer
drinkers in this country have been getting a bad deal for many years,
and we'd like to put this to bed now," says Ian Woolverton, a spokesman
for the group. Tim Hampson, a spokesman for the Brewers and Licensed
Retailers Association, counters, "Life's too short to look at this
as a way of making profit running a bar."
While he supports
the proposed law, he warns that overly tight rules could have cultural
consequences: "Froth is a rich part of British culture, and we would
hate to see it go."
9.27.99
Road Rules in Houston
1. A right
lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the leftlane
waiting for the same cars to squeeze their way back in before hitting
construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of
your car and moving the barrels.
2. Turn signals
provide clues as to your next move in the road battle so never use
them.
3. Under no
circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the
car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do,
the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even
more dangerous situation.
4. The faster
you drive through a red light, the less your chance of getting hit.
5. The car
with the most extensive body work automatically has the right of
way. (Remember no-fault insurance. He might not have as much to
lose as you do.)
6. Braking
is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock
braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage
as the brake pedal pulsates.
7. Construction
signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately
after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the
traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic
traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information,
but just to tell time and make Houston look progressive.
9. Never pass
on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare
people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged,
that's why they're paved.
10. Speed limits
are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with
other state policies; these are intended only as suggestions and
are actually unenforceable.
11. Just because
you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over
doesn't mean that a 610 Loop driver flashing his highbeams behind
you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please
remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic on I-10 or the Southwest Freeway.
13. Always
slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person
changing a tire. You may see the breakdown victim get mugged.
14. Learn to
swerve abruptly. Houston is the home of the very high-speed slalom
driving thanks to TxDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires
are left on new highways where potholes haven't yet been established.
15. It is considered
correct in Houston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such traditions.
16. Seeking
eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right
of way.
17. When in
doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Southeast Houston.
18. You don't
have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts
in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how
Houstonians notify TxDOT where exits should have been built.
9.19.99
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9.15.99
Thoughts on Motherhood
This one has made the
rounds -- but it's a good one, in my view. While it's on motherhood,
I think it applies to dads as well. I have to warn you -- get the
tissues. Sent to Katie and I from our friend Sara (Fire Tunnel):
A conversation
between friends.....about being a mom:
We are sitting
at lunch when my friend casually mentions that she and her husband
are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a survey," she
says, half-joking. Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change
your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know,"
she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous
vacations...."
But that is
not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what
to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth
classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing
will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional
wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider
warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking
"What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every
house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving
children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching
your child die.
I look at her
carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter
how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the
primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call
of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without
a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should
warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career,
she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange
for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business
meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have
to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my friend
to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That
a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than
the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right
there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against
the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess
herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at
my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will
shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value
to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment
to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years-not
to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish
theirs.I
want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor.
My friend's
relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she
thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a
man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to
play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall
in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my friend
could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history
who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope
she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues,
but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear
war to my children's future.
I want to describe
to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride
a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who
is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I
want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My friend's
quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reach
across the table, squeeze my friend's hand and offer a silent prayer
for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble
their way into this most wonderful of callings. The blessed gift
of God and that of being a Mother.
Please share
this with a Mom that you know or a future Mom you know. "Author
Unknown"
8.24.99
Biker Brothers
Here's a story
that makes you understand why they call it a "brotherhood of
bikers" -- quoted from the source:
Yesterday,
a buddy and I rode up to Big Bear Lake. His usual ride (a Yamaha
650) had a sticking throttle, so he took is 4 day old Goldwing.
It probably wasn't the best idea to take an unfamiliar 800lb bike
up into the twisties, but I was on a new bike as well, and we
had agreed to "take it slow."
Going up
wasn't a problem, but coming down was another story. One of the
highways feeding the area was closed due to a wildfire, so traffic
was especially heavy on our road. We *were* going slowly for the
most part, but after being passed by several sport bikers and
one couple two-up on a Goldwing, I think Ken may have tried to
pick up the pace too aggressively. In any event, Ken dragged his
toe off the footpeg, pinning his foot underneath (he said the
footpeg *did* fold back, and he was not really sure how he managed
to catch his foot... The hole in his boot is the only thing I'm
sure of). This didn't do great things for his foot and ankle,
and while he's one of the toughest old goats I've met (he managed
not to dump the bike), it was clear that he wasn't going to be
able to ride the rest of the way down.
There we
were, in a turn-out: Ken was trying to get the sidestand down
without using his mashed foot, and I was trying to figure out
what to do. The sun was merciless, and Ken was pretty shaken.
Cages were zooming past paying no attention to my efforts to wave
them down. Finally, we heard the rumble of 6 or 7 V-Twins, and
we were lost in a fury of dust and flying gravel as the group
descended upon us.
Prejudice
is a terrible thing to admit to, but as the group roared all around
trying to slow up, make u-turns, and fit themselves into our turn-out,
I was having strong misgivings about finally getting some "help."
The fact that Warren, the group's ostensible leader, looked like
one of the Riders of the Apocalypse just made me all the more
uneasy. Sure, Ken was busted up, but I began wondering whether
we had just jumped into a whole new level of trouble. "Christ,"
I thought, "I might as well have 'Urban Wanna-Be' stenciled
on all my foreign gear."
Warren's
guys had apparently seen all kinds of break-downs and bust- ups
before, and they quickly took charge of the situation. Before
long, they had Ken on the back of one of the bikes and most of
them roared off to get him help. That left Warren and one other
guy (who never said a word all afternoon, so I don't know his
name) scratching their heads about what to do with Ken's bike.
Finally they decided to ride down to the Sheriff's station where
they thought they could use the county impound cage to keep the
bike secure. There was one more bike than there were riders, so
that left me watching the bikes while they took off.
Being in
the hot sun on the dry side of a mountain made time pass slowly.
Cars flew by without anyone's looking twice, and the whole situation
still made me feel uneasy and vulnerable. Although they had been
helpful, the long wait made me wonder why I had let a bunch of
strangers cart off an injured friend. Suspicions and fears I never
realized I had all came to the surface as I waited beside the
highway.
Although
I could have easily believed otherwise, the growing rumble of
a bike assured me that Warren was coming back. He was riding doubled
up with his friend, ready to take Ken's bike down the hill. "Sorry
it's a Jap barge," I said weakly. "Hell!" Warren
grinned with gruesome yellow teeth. "At least it's not a
car!"
Later, as
we waited for Ken's wife to come up from LA, Warren proved that
he knew a thing or two about human nature. He got Ken laughing
about the whole situation, mainly by explaining why he arrived
at the Sheriff's station about 10 minutes before I did. "I
never could find the speedo or tach on that bike of yours... Ten
different gauges for the damn radio, and no speedo in sight. And
the engine don't make no damn noise: just kept cranking the throttle
and no damn noise. You gotta get a scoot that tells you when you're
going FAST or you're going to kill yourself!"
Thanks, Warren
and the rest of you. When someone was in trouble, differences
in brands and lifestyle just weren't an issue. In fact, you put
it best: "You gotta stop, 'cause the cars don't give a damn."
8.5.99
Why Houston is better
than Austin:
Here's a good
one from my friend Dickhead --
In Austin,
4 out of every 10 people are pot-smoking hippies.
Traffic congestion
has been increasing in Austin for the last few years; in Houston
it has been decreasing.
In Austin,
3 out of every 10 people are overpaid state government
bureaucrats.
In Austin,
the hashers go to the SAME bar every Friday night for happy hour.
In Houston, we go to a different bar every Friday night, and about
half the time we have a FREE KEG.
In Austin,
2 out of every 10 people are freeloading college students.
The largest
urban bat colony in North America lives in Austin. What do you do
with all that bat shit? Yuck!
In Houston,
we have REAL ICE HOUSES, not tourist-trap pseudo country and western
bars.
In Houston,
we didn't have some whacko college student climb to the top of a
tower and shoot 13 people.
When Neil Armstrong
landed on the moon in 1969, he didn't say "Austin the Eagle
has landed."
In Houston,
when you get run over by a pickup truck, you are never more than
a 10 minute helicopter ride from the WORLD'S LARGEST MEDICAL CENTER.
And finally,
bonus reason #11: In San Antonio, the hookers sing"Meee no
ike the Austin Hasher, Houston pay five dollahs more."
